What brought on my morning angst?
One morning as I awoke I felt a familiar heaviness descending. At times I have a nagging, uncomfortable feeling upon waking. Sometimes the negative feeling hits the minute I become conscious. It happens so fast that I don’t even know the thought that induced the feeling. What brought on my morning angst? I was frustrated, annoyed and barely awake. Why was it here again??? I didn’t think I was depressed or anxious. Was there something deep within that remained unhealed? If so, what was it ?
I sagged on to my trusty meditation pillow. The vague uneasiness was there. I didn’t attach or resist. After a few minutes of stillness I heard a little voice- Stop trying so hard. In trying to start a new career, I was writing, creating a website, finding venues to begin lectures and classes. All new territory. I didn’t want to just hire people to make my website or “create a brand” for me. The thought of having someone ask me “what I was trying to achieve” and try to design it for me wasn’t appealing. I wanted to figure things out for myself and tweak ideas as I went along. My direction felt right, but sometimes I stepped off the cliff into uncertainty. More risks meant more changes and more stress.
Surviving blunders builds confidence..
I know being aware and open to each moment is part of the process of discovery, but I often wanted to be done with one thing, so I could get to the next. I wanted a finished product! I recently saw an advertisement for ghostwriters. Sure that would save me time to have someone write for me, but I dismissed the notion. I’m sure there’s value in that scenario for those who want to put out lots of content quickly, but I don’t think too many aspiring artist hire a “ghost artists” to paint for them. The fun of painting is painting and the fun of writing is writing. I knew that a huge part of launching something new meant taking some wrong turns and moving through fears. Surviving blunders builds confidence and gives a sense of accomplishment. Still, I was feeling lost at times. In the past, I always had a career where I worked my hours, got my salary and knew what was expected. My old, safer paradigm was tempting and kept whispering, Turn around and go back to what you know best! Maybe I was subconsciously sabotaging myself by scrutinizing every detail and decision.
How I move through life is what matters most…
I realized I had some underlying fear about both success and failure. There were little voices that criticized what I wrote or did. I wanted everything to be just right. That was part of what was nagging me when I woke up. I had a feeling that I may be making some wrong choices. I may fail if I didn’t do everything just right or I may succeed and just be, the dreaded mediocre. As I sorted through these thoughts, I heard the next words very clearly. Thy Will Be Done. I’m sure all of you know what those words mean even if you didn’t experience any religious upbringing. The words were so powerful. I know there is a Higher Power, whether you want to call it God or The Universe or anything else. The bottom line is, I don’t need to worry about every little decision I make. The outcome is less important than following my passions and doing so in a way that keeps positive momentum. When I’m doing what I love, I can’t really fail. True, I can fail to make money or fail to produce exactly what I want, but if that happens, I know I will deal with it. How I move through life is what matters most. If I’m grumpy, angry or wake up with dread, I have gotten off track. When depression or anxiety enters the scene, it’s time to rethink the process. We can’t do everything with joy and enthusiasm, but it should at least be done with acceptance, not negativity.
“Being troubled means being emptied of the joys and the untroubled mood of initial ignorance. Be patient and troubled. “Eating trouble” is an emptying out. After the emptying, joy appears, a joy that knows no trouble, a rose that has no thorns…“ Rumi
That day of my morning doldrum, I had been hitting a series of obstacles and few rewards. One big setback happened after working on my website for weeks. I sat down at my computer only to find it had vanished! I didn’t want to go back and start over. I began to question my self. Doubt and fear were waiting for me when I awoke that morning. Then a beautiful thing happened after my meditation. I began to see the obstacles as tests. Was I willing to keep going or did I want to quit? The answer was definitive and immediate. I’m cruising with no brakes. There are times I need to take my foot off the gas or accelerate. The view may change at times along the way, desolate or lush. My energy may fluctuate, but the drive is always inside. Challenges are an integral part of every adventure. Frustrations, disappointments and set backs occur. Now I realized my morning funk was actually the bearer of good news. My problems are here to remind me to relax and not to force solutions by imposing my will. Some may say by accident, but I believe by intuition, I magically figured out the mistake I made on the website. The whole fiasco helped me gain competence and a skill I didn’t have before. Sometimes there are tolls when traveling that must be paid. There is a Source too, directing me. It shows guideposts. There are “better” and “worse” situations ahead. I know there are big and small events, in the spectrum of life events. If I can practice handling small ones, I will be more prepared for the big ones. I also know everything will unfold as it should. The poet Rumi says that, “eating trouble” helps us to empty out. After we become empty of the trouble, we have more peace. Sometimes troubles for breakfast means being full of joy.
Written By: Maryrose Mitchell