I have a son who sings rap. He has a wide smile and a laugh that makes others laugh. He shines and casts shadows.
There is angst in his art as it reveals the real and what he has seen in smoky rooms with desperate eyes. Some of his songs make me want to plug my ears. Not everything is supposed to make us comfortable in life. He sings about the dark as well as the light. Fear is behind all grasping and rejecting. Desires are strings and like playful cats we chase them and try to pounce. Sometimes we get what we want and then realize the lack of value and move on to more pursuits. When is it time to stop chasing illusions?
The more we seek, the more what we seek eludes us. It becomes our world. The void becomes everything we do. We can’t get full from empty. Yet we keep drinking the soup made from air and wondering why we aren’t full.I tell my son, Nothing can fill you from the outside. He says, Yes that’s so true Mom and he holds the empty bowl to his lips and gulps more air with yearning eyes. It’s not just him. It’s everyone thinking and not present. We all want something from the grab bag of life. Do we take the small box or the big bag? Which one has the hidden secret that will satisfy us? When you sit back and watch the others opening their gifts and you have none to open, you will feel satisfied. You will smile knowing you don’t need anything. There is nothing that will fill you up more than what’s inside. I didn’t get you anything, will be met with your words of gratitude that their time was not wasted getting you what you already have. Everything.
Go ahead. Give the kids what they want for Christmas, so they can discover the truth. None of it brings lasting joy and there is always a new version that someone else has. What brought you joy last year, now brings you sorrow. Mine’s not as good as the new one! Someone said, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I said, Don’t worry. You can’t. I don’t give that power away. If they say, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, they don’t realize it’s a lie. To not be hurt is a slap across the face with truth. It stings. When no one has power over you and they want it, they will either leave your presence or keep coming back like a Hyena snipping at your ankles. You don’t need any words and can keep moving with compassion. There are those who delight in a meal of you. In times of weakness, they may break you and taste bitterness in your marrow. Then, there are angels. They guide you on a subway train or in a Subway sandwich shop. Stay aware. It’s a fleeting moment of sweetness and serenity. It’s in the eyes. It’s powerful like a Super Mario prize that makes your heart go from red and needing to green and giving. The angels bring out the power within and you go the next level. You become an angel for others, but you don’t need to be, you just are.
I want to tell you about a dream. One night, I asked for clarity before sleep. I asked for a dream about my son because we spoke and he wants to leave and doesn’t know where. I get dreams about him and they are always true. I receive when I ask. In the dream, him and I were traveling on a trail in the woods. We both love nature. I left him to go find something.
I don’t know what it was, but I felt urgency to both look for it and to get back to him because I left him in the woods on a trail alone. I began trying to find a way back to the trail. I felt frustrated, but not completely panicked. I just felt like I needed to finish something and I didn’t have what I needed to finish it. I wasn’t sure if I was confused. I kept looking for a way back to him. Where is that trail? I ended up in a hospital and I passed a Dr.
I asked him where the trail was. He looked at me and said I don’t know. I work in a hospital. He saw this made me a little sad and it didn’t help me. He didn’t seem concerned. I went out the Exit door of the hospital and I was in a camp. There were Check In tables set up with friendly counselors. I asked them where the trail was. They found my bag that was under the table and opened it. I didn’t know how they got a bag that had information about me. They looked at my papers and said, You have come to the Adventure camp with the same name as the trail. This is the camp not the trail. But, Wait.. the trail is also the Adventure Camp? I asked. Yes they are the same, but different. I looked at them and they looked at each other and we all knew it wasn’t the answer I wanted. They cared a little, but couldn’t help. Seeing that I didn’t leave, they looked at each other, then at me and in unison clarified loudly, This is not it!
Then where is it? I asked and they said kindly, but dismissively, Just go that way. I don’t remember them pointing. I left and found myself back at the spot where I left my son. He wasn’t there. I understood. I don’t remember what I understood. I still wanted to find him, but there was a distance in my longing like an old grief. Not fresh grief. No tears. I’d been here before. Yes I think so. I didn’t want him to be lost, but didn’t know where else to look. Was I the one lost? I wanted to help him find his way, but I knew I couldn’t, because you can’t help someone find their own way. It’s theirs to find. I knew he was wondering and wandering around out there somewhere on or off his trail. Then I realized his trail and mine merged for a brief time and it wasn’t clear whether they would merge again. He was part of my whole journey and I part of his.
Yet, we each have our own- not each other’s.
I didn’t hear it or see it, but I knew there was a waterfall in the distance. I knew it was beautiful and cleansing and the dream ended…
The Universe, God, Higher Power, Angel or whatever your name, who whispers truth while I sleep- thanks. For a moment I caught a glimpse of perfect balance. Though nothing has changed -everything has.