Forcing people to do anything by imposing guilt and shame may work at that moment, but the likelihood that it continues is not very high.
While sitting in a donut shop one day having coffee with some girlfriends a man came in with his young son. The little boy was adorable with dark eyes, and curly tousled hair. He had the sparkle in his eyes of a 5 year old who’s about to sink his teeth into a freshly made munchkin. His small fingers curled around the handles of his precious, pink box filled with treats. The father and son sat down across from us and it was a Hallmark scene. As my friend adjusted her chair, she saw that the little boy was excitedly opening a box of glazed munchkins. If you’re old school, they’re donut holes. In a friendly voice she said, “ Oh you have munchkins. They are so good. They’re my favorite!” The father immediately looked down at the little boy and said, “Would you like to share?” The little boy’s face changed instantly. He got a sad and worried look on his face and clasped the box shut.
My friend made it clear that she didn’t really want one and that she was just having coffee. The little boy looked relieved. The father basically ignored what she said and insisted that the little boy needed to learn to share. Again my friend felt awkward and declined.
As we wished them a nice morning, I could hear the Dad say to his son,” What’s wrong with you?” You know you should share. “ The question, What’s wrong with you?, hung in the air. It hit on a tender bruise that I’d forgotten I had. It was a rhetorical question I’d often heard growing up. I now know that people say it when they want someone to see that their point of view is the only right perspective and to have a different view means you are flawed. It’s not said with a purposeful intention to hurt. Maybe that’s why it hurts even more. Calling someone selfish or greedy is clearly name calling and those around can see it as verbal abuse. Name calling is also defensible to a certain extent because a person can site moments when they have not been greedy or selfish.
Clearly the boy’s Dad was embarrassed, although there was no need to be. What was the real problem here? Was it that he thought his 5 year old didn’t have good manners? Did he think that his son’s refusal to share reflected poorly on his parenting skills? Was he just realizing that he didn’t have a perfect child who would always do the “right” thing? Was there a need to control? Was he carrying deep shame and guilt from his own childhood and this minor incident triggered those feelings? Although he took his son’s refusal to share personally, it had nothing whatsoever to do with him. He just couldn’t see that.
His son didn’t make him look like a parent who had raised an inconsiderate kid. His son was just acting like a normal, healthy, human being who wanted to gobble down his munchkins in peace. His dad seemed like a decent guy who was trying to share a fun time with his kid. I’m sure he was unconscious of how damaging his reaction was.
From a practical point of view, it would be difficult for many adults to share the first bite of food with a family member, let alone a stranger. It’s even tougher at the tender age of 5. It’s important to understand most kids need to experience something themselves first before they can willingly share, whether it’s a truck, a doll or food. I wish we could wipe phrases that attempt to instill shame out of existence. There is nothing wrong with not sharing your food or anything with a stranger or anyone for that matter. We all know generosity and kindness make the world better, but only if it is authentic and genuine. Otherwise, the positive energy you are trying to produce is negated by the fact that is is being forced against someone’s will.
I had to navigate the choppy waters of teaching sharing to my 4 kids, so I know it’s not always as easy as it seems. Sometimes we would stop to get gas or be out running errands and one of my kids wanted to buy something with his or her own money. I allowed it, but I had a rule. The rule was that if they ate or drank anything in front of their siblings and their siblings asked for some, then they had to share. It was simply impossible for other kids to see their sibling eating a candy bar in the same car without salivating and I didn’t feel I should be obligated to buy everyone something. Nor did I want to hear the complaining and whining about the candy or chips they didn’t get.
This rule did several things. It taught them to be judicious. They couldn’t just whip out a bag of Twizzlers with disregard for others. It reinforced empathy because they learned what it felt like to be on the receiving and giving end of a prized possession. They learned to be thoughtful and consider others how others would feel. They also had the freedom to be stealthy and careful not to show what they had. If no one saw that Reeses Cup because they were discreet, then they didn’t have to share. They had options.
If anything I believe forced sharing or giving makes kids more selfish because they grow up feeling they aren’t allowed to own anything for themselves. They often end up feeling guilty for enjoying what they have, which makes them unfulfilled by it. They have a hole inside that they want to fill it, but as soon as it’s filled they are ashamed for receiving it, so they discard it and look for the next thing. This continues in a vicious cycle unless they become aware. Sometimes they acquire a lot and then develop the mentality, This is all mine and you can’t have any! Ask any pizza delivery guy and he’ll tell you some of the worst tippers, live in the biggest homes.
When heard often enough a person can begin to believe –There’s something wrong with me because I feel the way I feel.
The little boy in this scenario actually showed much more maturity than his Dad. He had something he wasn’t willing to give away to a stranger and he set appropriate limits and boundaries. We can learn a lot from the honest innocence of children. Let people be who they want to be. Sharing should come from the heart when we are ready. I wonder how that father would react if he ordered a hamburger with fries and his son offered a stranger walking past some of his Dad’s french fries? I think you get my point.
I’m sure this father meant well and was trying to teach his son to be giving, generous and kind. Like me, he probably grew up hearing these words. Sadly, it seems in his case, he never fully recovered. “What’s wrong with you?” imposes shame and guilt just like “Stop Crying” or the worst “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!” All of these instill shame for having individual feelings.
For years I went through my life unaware of how my words were meant to control my kids or were said to them out of my own fear and shame. I’ve also had moments of cringing when my kids said something that I felt reflected poorly on me. I’ll admit, sometimes I even went so far as to impose guilt because they answered a question honestly and it didn’t paint me in a “good light”. I know my parents weren’t aware of the toxic residue left when they aimed their negative responses at me and my siblings either.
My awareness has spiked my sensitivity and so I write about it, not to judge, but to bring light to dim corner.
Words can be very damaging and it’s one more reason to become mindful of everything we say and do. Many people grow up with feelings of unworthiness because they heard these seemingly innocent phrases. When heard often enough a person can begin to believe –There’s something wrong with me because I feel the way I feel.
Whenever we feel a reaction, it’s a sign that we need to slow down and examine what is really bothering us.
There are teachable moments in life and we should capitalize on them. We just need to be careful in our approach. If there is some adjustment needed to instill ethics, values and morals it can be done gently to teach rather than scold. It’s important to validate the feelings of others, even if we don’t agree with them. When a kid isn’t ready to share, a great response is. “I understand. It’s not easy to give away something you love.” or “It’s fine. I know you are very giving.”
It’s much better to reinforce the behaviors that we want our kids to have and still allow freedom without manipulating them.
It’s also important to be aware of our own feelings that often happen suddenly and unexpectedly. When we feel discomfort arising, we can take a breath and see the thought before it escalates to an emotion and then an action. Whenever we feel a reaction, it’s a sign that we need to slow down and examine what is really bothering us.
When we try to force others to see things our way, it is a form of control and insecurity within our own self. There are ways of making perfectly legitimate points without doing so in a way that creates resentment. Understanding that our goal is always to improve any situation in life can help us think before we speak. Are we acting out of love? If our goal is to promote generosity, then we should be generous in our thoughts, words and deeds. If you truly want your child to be someone who shares, the most important thing you can do is let him see you share from your heart and share often.